long dark blues

finally, all four finals are done. i got three A's and one B, the B being in math, which i hate, so i'm pretty pleased. christmas shopping is over too, thank God. i must say i'm pretty bummed because i had originally planned to make all my gifts this year but then i realized i'd be short on time due to school and had absolutely no idea what to make the guys on my list, so i buckled and shopped. oh well, i think everyone will be pleased with their giftings and that's important to me. i'm feeling very pleased about school at the moment. i did some calculating and determined that, if i continue taking 4 classes a semester and take two classes each summer term (four in all) that i will graduate spring of 2010. this is a much more specific 'end in sight' for me, so i'm excited. it would be fantastic if i could somehow cram more classes into my schedule and finish earlier but i'm not sure i could handle the stress. tonight eric and i are going

despite much stress, i am still more or less "happy." i'm enjoying colder weather and the friends it brings- warm beverages, baking, homemade candy, fingerless gloves, presents, craft time, etc. last week we had our annual christmas party at work, and when i got my present, i couldn't tell if it was candy or fake vomit. one of the doctors assured me it was homemade peanut brittle, even if laying the sheet candy flat on the floor looked 'suspicious'... last night was our church's christmas party. for the white elephant exchange, i gave away my copy of Sister Act on VHS that i watched incessantly when i was about 11 or so. i got a crystal chip n dip on a lazy susan that i gave to my mom that had been through a few rounds of re-gifting. it was a fair trade. i've been taking some anxiety medication to help with the clenching of my jaw, and thank God for that, because if i wasnt i might start to buckle under the sobering realities that flock to my hous

i have this little journal that i've been writing in off and on for the last four years in an attempt to document some of my spiritual walk. last night i wrote the following entry: " 11/26/08: Tonight I did a lot of internet surfing. I came across old journals and memories and writings, and through re-reading them, I really saw for the first time what a mess I was. I always knew that I had issues, but re-reading old poems, thoughts, and [online] journal entries of mine actually felt, in a way, disgusting. To look back at the person I used to be from that viewpoint actually makes my stomach churn. What's even scarier is that some of thsoe writings & thoughts are only a few years old! In a way I feel like I'm glancing over my shoulder as I run as quickly away as I can. I thank God so much for working in me & changing me- He only knows where I'd be today if not for His work in me. Scary! I am so thankful that i never have to go back to those places; t

this photo was taken nearly two years ago at The Peggy Sues' very first show. As you can see, my hair is very dark brown in this picture. i particularly like this picture because i think the darkness of my hair compliments my fair skin and brings out my eyes. before this past spring, my hair had been 'dark' for nearly 8 years straight. i literally had not seen my natural hair color since the year 2000. recently i thought it might be good to give it a rest, so this past spring i got only highlights instead of all-over "brown." truthfully, the highlighted result is much closer to my natural haircolor and i've gotten many compliments on my current hair, which is always nice and appreciated, but... it just doesn't feel like "me." maybe it just became comfortable after 8 years of dark-headedness, but part of me really feels like a brunette... and that part of me feels really weird when i look in the mirror and see blonde. one thing is for sure.

dear reduced-fat cheezits, i'm sorry, but i'm breaking up with you. it's been fun munching on you while i drive, shoving handfuls of you into my mouth as i study, eating you one-at-a-time while i work on a new crochet project, but that fun-ness has worn off. our relationship has gone stale (pun intended). perhaps your addition of 10 pounds to my already 'curvy' figure had something to do with it. i'm sorry things had to end up this way ("it's not you, it's me..."). maybe i'll see you around next fall. sincerely, a more diet-concerned rachael

every year around this time i get crazy, cracked-out, pregnant-like cravings for reduced fat cheez-its. it's a little ridiculous. i'm not a snacky person, i like meals and maybe some fruit in between or at least something healthy... you will rarely see me snacking out of a bag of chips or box of cookies. until right about this time... it sounds crazy but my tongue tells me that every single activity i might have an interest in doing will be infinitely more enjoyable if i am eating cheez-its while doing so. sadly, sometimes it's true (insert sad "wah wah waaaah" noise here). of course this isnt helping my figure or my diet. i'm sure my kidneys are pretty pissed at me. i'm currently up to about a half-box a day! i can just see it now: intervention on the A&E channel- "i'm hooked on cheeze crackers"... a possibly healthier addiction i'm also dealing with is crocheting. i've mentioned it previously but something about fall j

recently my pastor's wife Niccole and I decided we should start a stitch-n-bitch. i've been wanting to join one for a while and we have plenty of crafty ladies (and dudes) within our church body, so i was psyched to hear that Niccole would be willing to have the first official group night at her house ("are we gonna say 'bitch' at church?"). for anyone who doesnt know what a stitch-n-bitch is, it's usually a group of ladies (dudes can join!) who get together to crochet, knit, or do a similar craft activity and vent to each other. for someone who isn't married, with children, or a homeowner, this is my version of domestic bliss. while we only had 4 people in attendance, it was still lots of fun and a very satisfying way to spend a chilly fall evening. we dined on Pastor Danny's famous hot chocolate, peach crumble, chocolate chip cookies, and tea. I was inspired by my recent purchase of fingerless gloves, so i made these: i am still working on my c

so within the last two years this awesome girl named amanda moved here from chicago, where they have an awesome handmade art event called Renegade Craft Fair . many have heard of it as it has become quite famous, and i've always wanted to go but never wanted to brave the drive to chicago. well, lo and behold, amanda brings to us hoosiers our own craft fair: Indieana Handicraft Exchange . i went last year and was so thrilled about it that i decided to have a booth at this year's event... unfortunately for me, that got put on hold when i became a full-time college student. however, i was bound and determined to get involved somehow, so i emailed amanda and asked her if i could get involved somehow. she put me to work with fliers and word-of-mouth advertising, and this past weekend when the event actually took place, i volunteered by cheerfully ushering patrons to the second gallery and giving vendors bathroom/lunch breaks. it was lots of fun and i'm already psyched for

sometimes i get really excited about new shoes. i'm such a nerd. tonight i found much peace through sipping chamomile tea, eating lemon poppyseed bread, and playing wordtwist- a game that is easy to get addicted to. its funny for me because almost all my life i've had little 'quirks' in my thinking...when i was little, if a song got caught in my head i had to hum it four times in a row before i could stop. i used to 'air type' words out in front of me. i used to spell words out in my head, one letter at a time, to the rhythm of songs on the radio. and now, thanks to wordtwist (brought to me by facebook), all those years of rearranging letters and words in my head can be put to great use. wheeee! i think i will play a few more games before i go watch michael moore's new documentary .

saturday eric and i had a picnic in the park. some chili, cornbread, and an awesome salad from whole foods. did i mention how much i love that he works at whole foods?! i told him he can never quit. after our picnic, we drove up to muncie to see some friends: (josh) (michelle, on the right, with baby heron) (allie, on the right, with shiloh) so once i upon a time, i myself lived in muncie while i went to ball state, and there was a chinese restaurant that was my most favorite ever because they had amazing bean curd. so after the show, i begged my friends to go there for dinner. i was glad when they obliged and i got to eat my most favorite 'bean curd home style.' however, i was not as glad when we all took turns barfing up the chinese food immediately after. china express is officially no longer my favorite chinese restaurant :( i'm off to study for a big math exam! wish me luck!

with all this talk about The Way lately, i was kinda intrigued by a program on TV tonight about cults and brainwashing. has anyone heard of Growing in Grace Ministries ? scariest thing ever! this guy believes he has "Jesus' mind", has his followers tattooing 666 on their forearms (because "religion" has been lying to us for years about its significance), has people doing whatever he asks, and has no problem saying that he's done more miracles than Jesus Christ. the sad thing is the number of followers he has... bright, charming young people who've bought into it. it really broke my heart and took my breath away. deception is something that really gets to me lately and this may take the cake.

on tuesday eric and i went to sigur ros in detroit with three other people. it was an amazing show for sure, although i couldn't see the stage for all the tall people in front of me (i'm 5'3" people!) and the two guys next to us were obnoxious the whole time (they aggravated 6 people to the point of leaving!). the trip to detroit was strange for me though, i realized it had been a really long time since i'd taken a road trip, let alone with 3 people i barely knew. i'm sure i gave off the 'wallflower' vibe, which is really fine with me as long as people don't misinterpret it. i promise i am working on being more socially adept. i've been growing mentally a lot lately, re-learning how to think and what to believe. in a spiritual sense, i've been deceived most of my life about who i am, and now i can see how other people have been deceived as well. it really lays heavy on my heart. hopefully my 'opening up' can help others to do the

lately i've been trying to find more sensible shoes. it makes me feel old saying this, but i have chronic foot pain and nearly every pair of shoes i own hurts my feet after 3-4 hours or wear. i've been reluctant to admit it but the more cheaply-made the shoes is, the more it hurts my feet. this makes me sad because like most girls i enjoy cute, inexpensive shoes. so... yesterday i ordered these keens in dark mossy green through a shoestore in indy: i have always been a sucker for mary janes. in fact when shopping with my mom, if i'm checking out a pair of mary janes, mom will say, "don't you think you have enough mary janes?" oh well. this company makes really comfortable and well-made shoes so i think it's worth it. i might even buy some boots of theirs. we'll see what winter brings. i really should start getting rid of all the shoes that cause me problems, but then i'd have barely any shoes left :(

i'm such a nerd. lately i get such a kick out of food/beverage containers. a few weeks ago eric bought me one of these with his whole foods discount: mine is just like this but silver with a black cap. it's huge! it makes me feel like i'm going camping whenever i carry it with me. today i bought this: i was actually hoping for something a little fancier than this one, but i was impressed by its ability to keep food hot for 7 hours. i'm excited to be able to use this and actually take something "dinner-esque" to eat between my classes at school. it's either that or max out my student account at the food court... i realize this may make me totally nerdy, but i actually feel inspired when i buy stuff like this. like one day i might just pack up some soup and a sandwich and my fancy sigg bottle and hop on my bike and take a mini-adventure. i've noticed that eating a packed lunch by myself is actually one of the most peaceful, enjoyable moments i'

amidst all this sadness running amuck in my head, God is gently trying to remind me who i am in Him. this is something i have struggled with actually for many years. tonight i was reminded that i am a creative individual with a unique view of the world... it's been a while since i've felt any sort of crafty inspiration. i'm thankful for it. i'm also thankful in understanding what it means to find my identity in Christ rather than by wordly definitions... hopefully that will get easier. the other day d'arcy did the cutest thing. so you've heard of the crazy cat lady? well, i'm gonna be the crazy dog lady and post pictures of my dog. sorry. feel free to caption it and send it to 'ihazahotdog.com'. so d'arce being an ol' lady dog hasn't been feeling well, and on one particularly painful day for her, i found her like this- curled up in her bed with her 'baby' under her arm. my heart broke and i gave her some pain meds and a cooki

fall is finally creeping back in, and i'm beginning to feel more and more alive. ironically, i am also dealing with what is possibly the deepest and darkest thing that i've ever had to deal with in my whole life. i won't go into details for internet's sake but i will say that there is no way i'm letting this 'thing' ruin my fall. fall has been and always will be the most important time of the year for me and, if i can just get my homework/school schedule under wraps, i plan on maxing it out this year. i am excited for: bike rides, tea drinking, crocheting, trips to the orchard, baking, craft times, apple cider, sweaters, colored leaves, awesome playlists, homemade soup in a thermos, hats and scarves, day trips, rosy cheeks, boots, oatmeal, quiet time, hoodies, outdoor games, bonfires, beans and cornbread, brown county, long walks... what am i missing?

last week eric and i went to summit lake state park by ourselves. we had originally wanted a few people to go with us and have a big pitch-in/cookout deal and go swimming, but it worked out nicely that just the two of us went. his father has two kayaks which we borrowed to skim around the lake. it was nice to hang out in that context for a change, not so much pressure to figure out what's going on between us. my arms hurt so bad! i thought for sure i'd look like popeye the next day. last night we had more fun as well. after shoe shopping and partaking of the lovely discount we get from whole foods, we jumped on his trampoline for a few hours. i can TOTALLY still do backflips! that felt awesome. we then sat on his couch eating ramen noodle soup and watching gattaca, which unfortunately was interrupted by my sudden loss of vision... migraine auras can have that effect :( eric being the gentleman he is kindly whisked me off to starbucks in my blind stupor and purchased two

today was my first day back to class. i am going to be so busy! i dont know how on earth i thought i'd be able to take 13 credit hours. sigh. i guess the end is in sight, though... i am so excited for fall! who's with me?! cider, leaves, scarves... wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

when i came back from mexico, i had initially planned on not returning to my previous job. when i went into the office to tell my bosses this, they offered to allow me to come back on a PRN basis, meaning i can go into work whenever i want and work as much as i want. perfect. so i've been doing that and trying to work in some rachael-time as well. i really have felt 'dead' in some ways for a few years... i can remember when eric and i first started dating, i had just started working this job. we would stay out 'til 2 (sometimes 4!) just talking and hanging out, having little adventures all over the city, and i'd go into work with 2 hours of sleep. sure it wasn't comfortable but it didnt mean much, i felt like i was having the time of my life. slowly but surely i lost that feeling, i began to "need" 8 hours of sleep every night, i began to come home so tired from work that i never had time/energy to do the things that i really wanted to do, the thi

yesterday i went to a birthday party for my friend jason. we had a dance party (population 2-3), grilled out, had a bonfire, played whiffleball, and had a rad jam-out session comprised of accordion, banjo, and some other small guitar (they played 'king of carrot flowers'!). i had a beverage so i spent the night at eric's place so as not to risk getting a DUI (low tolerance!). when i came home this morning my mom asked me to go shopping with her, so i did. now my parents are out on their anniversary date dinner (28 years!) and i fully plan on getting a cheeseburger and fries from culvers (+ child-sized burger for d'arcy), renting "smart people" from blockbuster, and finishing the night off with ice cream. go America! go unemployment! i promise i will try to do something more productive and less "commercialist" tomorrow... living in Mexico for a month will certainly make you love your country in a totally new way.

i ran into this gal's shop once upon a time, and ever since then i enjoy checking in on her and her lovely girly clothes. i dont know what it is but something about her designs and her wording just make me feel all squishy inside, like i'm drinking a mug of hot tea in the fall... (i kinda dont blame you if you're making fun of me for this) anyhow... here's her site: ananya @ etsy hope you enjoy as i do!

i came home saturday night. my head has kind of been a whirlwind for the last few weeks; there was a lot to take in and process and now that i'm home it doesnt feel real. it seems like this trip changed a lot for me- school, work, attitude. we'll see what happens. i feel bad saying this but i felt like i couldn't find God in mexico. for that reason, my little brain is especially tired. i am looking forward to a very flexible work schedule, finding more classes to take, and both relaxing/adventuring.

i climbed a pyramid! it was huuuuge! flickr is slooooow or i would upload many photos. everything here is so different, yet so awesome. my brain will certainly be resting a lot when i return home. ¡hasta luego!

hola! estoy en mexico ahora! i have been speaking SO MUCH spanish! i have learned so much already in just two days. the family that i live with runs a restaurant out of their house and i have eaten many delicious meals here. hopefully soon i can figure out how to upload pictures from my camera without software. fingers crossed. ¡hasta luego!

on saturday i threw myself a goodbye party. more like a "im leaving for a month so come and hang out with me" kinda party. hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, watermelon, organic soda, and lots of cornhole! it was awesome. we ate, played many rounds of very competitive cornhole, and ended the night with an entertaining game of apples to apples. it was a nice way to see everyone before i leave. allie, baby shiloh, and myself (aka the picture that launched a very serious diet!) the brothers o'dell (alex and eric), conspiring in a serious round of cornhole jason's cornhole method was very entertaining to me. jenna and baby ryker. i can't believe how fast this trip creeped up on me. i spent most of today packing and running some errands to grab some last-minute needed items. the rest of the week will be spent at work and doing homework, and trying to see a few friends here and there before i'm gone. it's strange how this trip has brought about a sort of 'for

i can't believe how fast time is passing me by right now. it feels like so much has been going on, and yet it hasn't really... work has been out-of-control! covering here, training there, overtime here... it's a lot of stress for someone to deal with and i'm pretty sure i'm not handling it 'properly.' stress has pretty much always been my arch enemy. crafts are on a hiatus at the moment. while i still have visions of totebags/wristlets/wallets dancing in my head, i dont have the mental energy right now to do as much as i want to do, mostly because... i leave for mexico in a week and half! i can't believe departure is so close. i am very excited to be in a different mind space for a whole month. i am hoping their culture will help me to see my own in different ways, even though i am already pretty disenchanted with "America" at the moment. speaking of which, i saw shane claiborne speak last night at the church i use to volunteer at from tim

i think hancock county must have some sort of gravitational pull of bad weather. we ALWAYS get the bad weather that comes through the state. so far we have been very lucky... how about a craft update?! some bibs i made for a doctor i work with that adopted a baby last week beth's bag, my first custom order :) im pretty pleased with how it turned out! this is a camera bag wristlet that i made for beth as well. it's really well insulated with some heavy duty interfacing. good news on the craft front, my mom took pity on my craft explosion room (see below) and decided to clear out the upstairs living room, which we dont really use, so that i can set up a studio. it will be super exciting to have a bedroom that is not covered in fabric, pattern, thread, and other miscellaneous supplies. it's much worse than this at the moment, and soon to be in another location!

warning, long story! so i've mentioned this shop i have on etsy... it hasn't gotten much business really because i dont have a whole lot of time to put things up. maybe a handful of things. anyhow... this total stranger messages me and says she likes my bags and wants to know if i'd be interested in some custom orders. i say okay, and over a few conversations she asks me to make her a few different items. we politely chitchat over messages getting item details and colors and sizes and what not, and through all of this she casually mentions that she's in Pennsylvania but from Portland, and her in-laws live in Goshen (sidebar: i used to spend a ton of time in Goshen; my old best friends Sara and Erica were from Goshen). well, Sara had another good friend named Dave Moral, who moved from Goshen to Portland to Pennsylvania, so i think to myself, hmm, who do i know that has attachments to portland, goshen, and pennsylvania? wouldn't it be funny/ironic if this girl w

after a three day weekend, i did not really want to go back to work today. but alas, i did. and it was not so bad. i finally have a "greenfield" friend, and it is nice to have someone call me up and say, "hey, let's go to the coffeehouse and paint pottery" and then go. i wish i could be more bold in the social arena. "i'm working on it." also, i got my first custom order on etsy! i'm pretty excited. i like being challenged to do new things and explore new skills. things are moving along nicely.

1) just went to goodwill and purchased a bunch of vintage sheets, curtains, and tablecloths to upcycle for the shop and 2) won a scholarship!!! so psyched! i'll be in mexico in a little over a month! that's CRAZY. GOD'S RAD.

i think my whole "etsy endeavor" has taken a turn for the awesome. to explain, i've always thought that God speaks to people in their own special languages and in ways that only they can really appreciate, and lately i can back this up wholeheartedly. first, i received an awesome book in the mail on saturday and i've been crazy inspired because of it. that same day, my friend allie bought a bag from me, and when i tried to just give her the bag instead of letting her pay for it, she insisted on paying, stating that she likes to encourage people in their dreams (i really love that girl!) in any way she can. she and her husband mike took some cards i'd had printed up and said they'd help distribute them and that i could probably sell some of my stuff at mike's shows (he plays guitar). super encouraging. later in the conversation, we were talking about how my job isn't guaranteed when i come back from mexico and that i may need to start looking for

i tend to get fussy when things dont go as planned. it's silly, i know, but something about me kind of 'freaks out' when i plan for this or that to happen on a given day and then everything changes, on that day. i guess i feel kind of out-of-control in a sense. anyhow, today i had planned to do nothing but relax, do some sewing and get more things into the shop, and just hang out by myself (i'm a homebody for sure). well, as of yesterday, all of that changed. normally i dont like when other people make my plans for me or tell me what to do with my time, but today i'm actually finding it enjoyable. so far, i have made two batches of muffins and fruit salad to take to my friend allie who just gave birth last tuesday. i'm also planning on making a dinner to take to her and her husband later. eventually i will go grocery shopping for grandma and also to get the things i need to make allie and mike's dinner. earlier today i checked my etsy shop (now stocked

a few weeks ago i tried to buy fusible ("iron-on") interfacing. i even asked the lady at the shop to sell me a yard of the "iron-on" kind, to be sure. after many failed atempts, i came to the realization that the lady sold me the sew-on kind, because today i bought a small package of pellon interfacing and it worked exactly the way the directions said it would. i'm even sort of excited to use it again! here's what i made with it- my brother and i are treating my mom to a spree at the clinique counter for mother's day, so i made her a new makeup bag: here's the detail of the bird applique and the stitch exterior and lining with green zigzag stitch. i'm pretty pleased with it, and i really think the interfacing made a nice difference. hope mom likes it!

today i made my first etsy sale! to my friend amelinda in milwaukee! SO EXCITED.

today, for the first time ever, i voted. ...i also got gipped on etsy!! (did i spell that right?) God's probably trying to tell me to chill out on the online shoppery.

what a busy weekend. friday was first friday and eric, alex, jason, and i went to watch our friend emily walk down a runway in a dress made of teabags. then some of us ate a glorious meal of steak n shake. saturday was julie's baby shower, which despite being windy was very fun. please disregard my "skater" look. i promise i'm not in high school anymore. sunday was awesome. i got up early and began sewing a new bag for myself, then ange, mark, and laura picked me up and we drove north to michelle's baby shower, which was probably the most awesome baby shower i ever went to. (michelle's mother-in-law, michelle's mom, michelle, some guests) please note that we are outside and that there is a teepee in the background. a real one. it was awesome. michelle got some really amazing handmade gifts; i was blown away by all the creativity that was present. we also got to design either a bib or a onesy for her and the baby. after the baby shower we headed over

i wrote up a long, thought-out entry a second ago. would you like to read it? too bad... blogger apparently lost it somewhere... i'm too tired to type anymore. here's what i made tonight: wristlet for my friend emily onesy for julie's baby kairos

i have been a sewing fool lately. last night my parents went out to eat, invited me to go with them, and i declined so that i could begin making items for sale in the shop. tonight, with much excitement, i posted my first two listings in my new etsy shop. here's what i made: a cute appliqued tote bag a cute "market tote" with a pocket in the lining that folds up nicely into a pouch. i love craftery so much. i wish i could just quit my dayjob and sew all day long. i have tons of cute fabric just begging to be made into something useful! tomorrow i plan on sewing some more, then getting my bike from eric (gas is ridiculously priced! i'm biking to work), and then going to church. then it's back to the daily grind...

thanks to this lovely lady , i learned how to sew a zipper tonight!!! i feel like i just got my driver's license! lining and all! i'm so psyched. tonight i bought a ton of fabric on sale. and it's all cute, nature-y inspired stuff. i also bought a bundle from a nice gal on etsy. now, i'm off to create business cards. i really hope this shop thing sticks, i'm really good at getting awesome ideas, diving into them 100%, and then letting the buzz wear off after a while...

spring is such a freeing time for me. it seems like every spring i have this huge urge to reinvent myself. two springs ago i swore off shopping in 'fashionable' stores and decided i'd shop only at goodwill... it sounded really good at the time but it didnt stick. anyhow, lately all i want to do is wear my short jeans (that are about 7 years old!), tshirts, messy hair, old sauconys (circa 2000), and a bandanna. haha, it's funny to me how 7 years ago this was the "emo" uniform, and now kids in high school think "emo" means crazy asymmetrical haircuts, tight jeans, brightly colored shoes, and t-shirts that parallel avant-garde design. so much has changed! anyhow... warmer weather really does something in me. if i could quit my job, i would travel all over the country with dear friends and only bring what i needed. i would go to cornerstone! i would visit the folks at 'another way is possible', i would hit up greasy diners on the sides of du

my dear friend michelle's father passed away saturday. my heart is breaking for her, her family, and her little unborn birdie. please keep her in your prayers as she is very pregnant!

the previous week has been both stressful and enjoyable. first of all, my jaw is getting better. the muscles in my neck however are still very sore. i feel like such a baby when i complain about it. anyhow, school will be done with on thursday for this semester (!!!) and i anticipate the muscle strain will relieve itself with a lighter stress load. i will have free time again! speaking of which... i opened a shop on etsy.com... i already had an account for purchasing purposes, but i went ahead and made up a little banner to use for selling purposes for the time being- i dont have any good photo software on this computer, so i had to use paint, so obviously it is high-quality (sarcasm). i'm even thinking of making up some business cards. i had wanted to do something like this for a while now, but i just never had the time. i am hoping that school's ending will bring about more time for me to sew & create, and learn new skills on the sewing machine. so far i plan to sell a to

lately i've been quixotic. in a spiritual sense, it feels as though my flesh, the 'old man', is attempting a takeover. i am most certainly in one of those spiritual growth times and it is really becoming evident. i have always struggled with issues of anger and pride, and lately my eyes have been opened to how these issues had become ingrained in me at an early age, so much so to the point where i am not 100% aware of what i am doing anymore. i struggle with compulsive spending and laziness! terrible things that are so epitomizing of the world i struggle to live outside of today. as if those arent taxing battles in myself, my literal flesh is fighting me. i wake up from terrible, anguishing dreams to find that i've clenched my jaw all through the night. i have not had one day without pain in the last 2 months. everyone i know says i must be stressed, but i would beg to differ. most of us would argue that we are 100% aware of it when we are stressed out, right? i am

i did something really dumb tonight. every now and then i miss people from my past, so i'll look them up on myspace or whatever and try to see how they're doing, what they're up to, etc... well, i went so far back to visit the past that now my heart is heavy. old livejournals with old feelings, old online albums that accidentally got deleted (pictures gone forever!), old email addresses, old personalities,etc... i'm such a creature of sentiment, to a fault. i find myself missing things i really shouldn't be missing. i look back at all the adventures i used to have and it makes me feel old and depressed. at least it makes me want to make new memories to replace the old ones. i'm getting better at reaching out.

I've been busy. See below. so, i have about 235890 friends who are pregnant right now. with the trip to mexico coming up, i am not able to buy as many presents for people as i'd like to, so i've been buying fabric and making lots and lots of handmade baby gifts. on friday, i gave a co-worker a couple of bibs with a more rock n roll theme (zebra print, skulls, bandannas) and a burp cloth that was considered "gender-neutral." tomorrow my friend Haley and i are hosting a shower for our friend allie (michelle- coming?), who is keeping baby's gender a secret. thus commenceth the making of many gender-neutral gifts for the baby, as pictured above. tomorrow should be fun, neither haley nor i have ever hosted a baby shower, so we'll see what happens. allie wanted something very low-key, so i ordered a cake and some pretty daisies as favors, and we'll have a pitch-in, all before church tomorrow. speaking of church, things are happening! it's exciting