long dark blues

do you ever get so psyched about what God is doing that you just can't contain it? i just have to say... GOD IS KICKING SOME SERIOUS ASS. confirmation is so freakin' awesome! holy crap, dude, God loves me a lot! i pray pray pray that the people i care about will come to know God like i know him, and even moreso... sorry to anyone who doesn't want to hear about Jesus-type stuff. it's kinda my life anymore, and i'm fine (even psyched) with it.

i am pretty excited to meet the person God has created me to be. i have had glimpses of this person in the past but was never comfortable with her enough to let her stick around. for a person who has struggled with self-esteem issues lifelong, this is both challenging and comforting. i've dealt with all those typical 'girl' issues in life- being pretty/skinny/smart enough- and i'm so glad that God calls us to a higher place in life, a place where God is bigger than those issues. when i see myself through the lens of God's truth, i get really excited because i actually like that version of me, and the old version of me who wants to please and be loved by everyone is really very tired. in God i have realized that i am smart, loving, loveable, worthwhile, sensitive, understanding, sweet, charming, talented, wise, beautiful , and good . those last two are probably the hardest for me to say because i've had such issues with seeing myself as either of them- i a

The Fellowship of the Believers [42]And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. [43]And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. [44]And all who believed were together and had all things in common. [45]And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. [46]And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, [47]praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. this passage really lays on my heart in a way that makes me want to get my hands dirty. brothers and sisters, let's make community happen, let's get messy, let's see what God has in store for us.

it's been about a month since march 18th. i know being vague is just *so mysterious* and what not, but it will suffice to say that march 18th of 2009 was probably one of the worst days of my life. i continue to say "bleh!" in it's general direction. but! my point is that it's been a month. a month of ups and downs and highs and lows and tears and peace. i'm glad to look back and see 31 days between myself and that awful place. to be honest, everything that has happened has been worthwhile, even the hard parts. i know that there are things happening in my life that wouldn't have happened otherwise... one of those things that i am especially thankful for is my growing love for others. God had been laying on my heart a need to be with others in community, and although i shared His desire, i just didn't know how to make it happen in myself. God is truly loving me through others and challenging me to find out what it means to have true brothers and

today was the first good day i've had since march 17th. i woke up early and went to take a test at school. did well despite the perpetual dark cloud that's been hovering above me for the past few days. came 'home' (i've been living with my pastor Danny and his wife Niccole for a few weeks) and intended to read/pray/fall asleep for the rest of the day when Niccole knocked on my door and asked me to go to Tea's Me (awesome tea cafe with amazing BLT's/pastor Danny's unofficial 'office') with her- can't turn down a pot of hot amazing naturally sweetened tea on a rainy day. we go. it's still raining and cold when we go in. we sit by the fireplace, drinking champagne oolong and munching our delicious sandwiches. i ask her advice about current life situations. she tells me some things i need to hear. we talk about friends, life, church, conflict ("carefrontation"?), hope, pain, vision. i get fed in more ways than one. i purc

about two years ago or so i was at a very dark place spiritually. i wanted badly to connect with God, yet felt that I couldn't find him anywhere. i wanted to worship Him and praise Him and yet I couldn't find the peace to do those things, so I began to pray that God would give me a thankful heart. i am so thankful that He answered that prayer because today, even though i am struggling with some trials and tribulations, i can easily find things to be thankful for: -wisdom -understanding -Godly perception -knowledge -friends, brothers, and sisters -patience -mercy & grace -forgiveness -the living word -being called -the Holy Spirit -newness -redemption -freedom in truth -peace -growth this is just the tip of the iceberg. sometimes i find myself thanking God for the same things over and over throughout the day, in awe of all that God does for me and all that He provides for me. i am truly thankful to be thankful.

a few months ago i realized after the fact that one of my favorite bands, great lake swimmers, had played in indianapolis. i was bummed that i didnt get to see them, but even more bummed that i am officially 'out of the loop' as far as what's going on in the music world (note: i typed 'music scene' and then immediately BACKSPACE- the word 'scene' leaves such a bad taste in my mouth). my playlist as of late definitely reflects my more contemplative state. sometimes i get in these moods where only a few bands can really 'get me' and i end up listening to only those few bands. here is a sampling of my latest favorites: great lake swimmers: river's edge rocky spine changing colours first aid kid: you're not coming home tonight jagadamba, you might i met up with the king reindeer section: you are my joy budapest here's the rest: page france- jesus david byrne & dirty projectors- knotty pine new pornographers- use it american analog set-