Tuesday, April 28, 2009

mind, blown.

do you ever get so psyched about what God is doing that you just can't contain it?

i just have to say... GOD IS KICKING SOME SERIOUS ASS.

confirmation is so freakin' awesome! holy crap, dude, God loves me a lot!

i pray pray pray that the people i care about will come to know God like i know him, and even moreso...

sorry to anyone who doesn't want to hear about Jesus-type stuff. it's kinda my life anymore, and i'm fine (even psyched) with it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

rooted in love.

i am pretty excited to meet the person God has created me to be. i have had glimpses of this person in the past but was never comfortable with her enough to let her stick around. for a person who has struggled with self-esteem issues lifelong, this is both challenging and comforting. i've dealt with all those typical 'girl' issues in life- being pretty/skinny/smart enough- and i'm so glad that God calls us to a higher place in life, a place where God is bigger than those issues. when i see myself through the lens of God's truth, i get really excited because i actually like that version of me, and the old version of me who wants to please and be loved by everyone is really very tired. in God i have realized that i am smart, loving, loveable, worthwhile, sensitive, understanding, sweet, charming, talented, wise, beautiful, and good. those last two are probably the hardest for me to say because i've had such issues with seeing myself as either of them- i always thought i had to be pretty and nice for people to love me, and i struggled with being either of those through different times in my life. i've felt ugly and mean, in fact i've felt downright horribly about myself; i've thought that i was unlovable in my messy state. how untrue this is! i am so thankful that God has shown me how much He loves me and accepts me as i am and gives me all that i need to become all that He has created me to be. when i catch a glimpse of His truth and see things with Godly perception, it blows my mind!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Acts 2:42-47

The Fellowship of the Believers

[42]And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. [43]And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. [44]And all who believed were together and had all things in common. [45]And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. [46]And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, [47]praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

this passage really lays on my heart in a way that makes me want to get my hands dirty. brothers and sisters, let's make community happen, let's get messy, let's see what God has in store for us.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

month 1.

it's been about a month since march 18th. i know being vague is just *so mysterious* and what not, but it will suffice to say that march 18th of 2009 was probably one of the worst days of my life. i continue to say "bleh!" in it's general direction. but! my point is that it's been a month. a month of ups and downs and highs and lows and tears and peace. i'm glad to look back and see 31 days between myself and that awful place. to be honest, everything that has happened has been worthwhile, even the hard parts. i know that there are things happening in my life that wouldn't have happened otherwise...

one of those things that i am especially thankful for is my growing love for others. God had been laying on my heart a need to be with others in community, and although i shared His desire, i just didn't know how to make it happen in myself. God is truly loving me through others and challenging me to find out what it means to have true brothers and sisters. before this, i had no idea how much i really needed a family in the body of Christ- for so long i've distanced myself from people, afraid of being hurt or not being 'accepted.' i've learned that because i am truly accepted by God, i can be accepted by others and accept them in return. being hidden in Christ is a great comfort to me, and i am still only at the tip of the iceberg in terms of understanding how God sees and loves me. for me, this is all very necessary and exciting stuff to be learning! i know that we only know in part, but i feel that God has given me huge amounts of understanding in terms of how He's working in my life and around me, and that is such a huge blessing, especially for someone who always likes to have the answers.

"...our darkest nights are days to You..."

Monday, April 13, 2009

i said good day.

today was the first good day i've had since march 17th.

i woke up early and went to take a test at school. did well despite the perpetual dark cloud that's been hovering above me for the past few days. came 'home' (i've been living with my pastor Danny and his wife Niccole for a few weeks) and intended to read/pray/fall asleep for the rest of the day when Niccole knocked on my door and asked me to go to Tea's Me (awesome tea cafe with amazing BLT's/pastor Danny's unofficial 'office') with her- can't turn down a pot of hot amazing naturally sweetened tea on a rainy day. we go. it's still raining and cold when we go in. we sit by the fireplace, drinking champagne oolong and munching our delicious sandwiches. i ask her advice about current life situations. she tells me some things i need to hear. we talk about friends, life, church, conflict ("carefrontation"?), hope, pain, vision. i get fed in more ways than one. i purchase some delicious vanilla honeybush rooibos and japanese cherry green tea. we leave, and it's still horrible weather yet i don't seem to mind anymore. we drive slowly through fall creek neighborhoods and ooh and ahh over cute homes that are for sale. we shop at ridiculously overpriced omalia's for meals for the week. we head home and decide to go to big lots instead. we look at cute furniture and garden things. niccole picks out a table for a craft project. i buy some lotion, some bargain-priced yerba mate soda, some soup, and more tea soda. i remember why i love big lots so much. we leave. we arrive 'home' to find a mysterious pink box on the dining room table- danny announces he has an amazing present for all of us from the flying cupcake- three cupcakes of different flavors, including my current favorite- red velvet elvis. danny divvies each cupcake up into three parts so that we can each sample. i clap my hands with giddiness and gobble up the not-too-sweet gourmet deliciousness and finish it off with a cup of my newly acquired japanese cherry tea. niccole and i make a run to the library where i put some books on hold for a research project. we return 'home.' all three of us together watch the chronicles of narnia and eat a delicious dinner of grilled shrimp salad with fresh tomatoes and clementines. i finish mine off with a dish of tart mango frozen yogurt. chronicles of narnia ends and i feel spiritually inspired. i decide to take an amazing hot bath and have some 'me' time. now i am here, having finished an awesome journal entry for today (both online and in my 'holy spirit journal'), with a hot cup of vanilla honeybush rooibos, ready to drift off into a restful slumber after some quiet time with the Lord...

ive said before that i fully believe that God speaks to us in very personal ways. i believe today was a true breakthrough for me, an answer to prayer, and a gift from God. the last few days had been difficult and i felt i couldn't see around current life situations- today i feel like i had my vision restored. God answered so many prayers for me today in so many ways that i cant even explain it... it just proves to me how much He cares about me and hears my prayers. I'm thankful to serve a God that loves me well.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

thankful heart

about two years ago or so i was at a very dark place spiritually. i wanted badly to connect with God, yet felt that I couldn't find him anywhere. i wanted to worship Him and praise Him and yet I couldn't find the peace to do those things, so I began to pray that God would give me a thankful heart. i am so thankful that He answered that prayer because today, even though i am struggling with some trials and tribulations, i can easily find things to be thankful for:

-Godly perception
-friends, brothers, and sisters
-mercy & grace
-the living word
-being called
-the Holy Spirit
-freedom in truth

this is just the tip of the iceberg. sometimes i find myself thanking God for the same things over and over throughout the day, in awe of all that God does for me and all that He provides for me. i am truly thankful to be thankful.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

great lake swimmers

a few months ago i realized after the fact that one of my favorite bands, great lake swimmers, had played in indianapolis. i was bummed that i didnt get to see them, but even more bummed that i am officially 'out of the loop' as far as what's going on in the music world (note: i typed 'music scene' and then immediately BACKSPACE- the word 'scene' leaves such a bad taste in my mouth).

my playlist as of late definitely reflects my more contemplative state. sometimes i get in these moods where only a few bands can really 'get me' and i end up listening to only those few bands. here is a sampling of my latest favorites:

great lake swimmers:
river's edge
rocky spine
changing colours

first aid kid:
you're not coming home tonight
jagadamba, you might
i met up with the king

reindeer section:
you are my joy

here's the rest:
page france- jesus
david byrne & dirty projectors- knotty pine
new pornographers- use it
american analog set- promise of love
bangs- i want more
riverboat gamblers- a choppy yet sincere apology
sham 69- borstal breakout

one of my degree requirements in liberal arts is to take 5 upper-level classes outside my major. fortunately for me, there just so happens to be a class on rock music in the 70's and 80's, aka, 'my whole childhood'- with my dad being a musician, i more or less grew up on this stuff! its a really fun class and right now we're studying punk rock, which has brought about a renewed interest in some of my crustier musical preferences- MC5, iggy pop, television, new york dolls, etc... can you believe i get a grade to identify these bands? now if only someone could teach a class on early 21st century emo... just kidding :)