i have this little journal that i've been writing in off and on for the last four years in an attempt to document some of my spiritual walk. last night i wrote the following entry:
Tonight I did a lot of internet surfing. I came across old journals and memories and writings, and through re-reading them, I really saw for the first time what a mess I was. I always knew that I had issues, but re-reading old poems, thoughts, and [online] journal entries of mine actually felt, in a way, disgusting. To look back at the person I used to be from that viewpoint actually makes my stomach churn. What's even scarier is that some of thsoe writings & thoughts are only a few years old! In a way I feel like I'm glancing over my shoulder as I run as quickly away as I can. I thank God so much for working in me & changing me- He only knows where I'd be today if not for His work in me. Scary! I am so thankful that i never have to go back to those places; that God offers us freedom, even/especially from ourselves. I have been through some crazy things in my life, and if there's one thing that I've learned from dealing w/ all those crazy things, it's that God is always working things out for our good and that He is always to be trusted."
A little over a year ago I began to realize that my thought patterns were not good. I often found myself thinking things that I normally wouldnt choose to think- angry, negative, cynical, bitter, and sad things, to mention a few. Some of those things about God himself. I realized that that wasn't God's plan for me, yet I had no clue how to fix it, so I began to pray for the exact things that I lacked at that time: gratitude towards God, joy, and peace. I can happily and victoriously say today that, through much trusting and counseling, I have all three. It is always so cool to see how God really and truly listens to our prayers and works all things for our good. For the first time in a very long time, I feel true peace and happiness, and it's not because things are "how i want them to be" in my life; it's really because I finally learned and understood that God is 100% on my side, always hearing my prayers, always working things out for my good, always meeting my needs.
I'm sad that i spent so many years being the person i thought i wanted to be. The truth is that i spent so long with that version of myself that i'm not entirely sure of who i am. I feel at times like i barely know myself, which in turn makes it hard for others to know me as well. eric deals with this issue as well unfortunately, but in a way it's kind of neat that we can deal with this together. i'm thankful for him and i know that if i can just continue to put myself and 'old ways' aside, eric and i can bring out the best in each other, and that is exciting. i'm pretty psyched about the vision God has given me for our church and for what eric and i can do for Him...