progress

so, i briefly mentioned my counseling in the last post. it's been an interesting experience. a strange thing about me is that i am (and have been for years) strangely aware of my faults, shortcomings, etc... it's weird for me because i can see myself doing things that i know are unhealthy, things that are not in alignment with God's nature, and yet i dont know the first thing about how to stop those behaviors. i've always known that i was 'different', maybe bitter or cynical, but i never knew why or how to stop being so. thus, i began to seek the counsel of some ladies at a nearby church. they have a great program- they give me homework and readings and exercises and while it might sound silly, it's been very, very helpful. from day one i have felt God chipping away little pieces from me, like i am a block of ice that he's begun to carve something out of. for the past year and a half or so i have felt spiritually dead, as though i had been just treading water for some time in some sea of cynicism, trying desperately to hold on to whatever joy God had for me. now i can say that i feel like i'm finally waking up after a long slumber.

i've never felt so much progress in my life even though i'm nowhere near where i want to be. i certainly didnt plan to be living with my parents again at the age of 25. at least i have a steady job, a car that runs (most of the time), a great church, a place to live, a plan to graduate from college, a few friends, and a boy who cares a great deal about me.