lately i have been feeling very content, very happy with where i am in life. i think somewhere over the past few years i began to feel a great dischord between where my life was and where i wanted my life to be, if that makes any sense, and i can say with great relief that that period is behind me. lately through working at peter's house and just milling through daily life, i have come to feel as though God is truly using me, and for me that is the ultimate goal. i am definitely not perfect nor have i "arrived," but things are good. i've noticed that when i go to peter's house to hang out with the homeless folks, i genuinely care about them. i mother over them. i enjoy dishing out plates of food for them. and i dont feel endangered, even though the house is located in one of the worst areas of the city. the house truly has a peaceful feeling about it, and i get a great blessing from providing these folks with a healthy, home-cooked meal. i am 100% certain that that is where God wants me, with people who are broken like me.
i've also had a glimpse of where my "career" (if you can call it that) may be going. i have become friends with the Mexican lady who cleans my workplace after hours. i've been really grateful for the opportunity to practice my spanish with her, and today she told me that she understands 90% of what i say. for me this is awesome! i certainly get flustered from time to time and forget a word or use the wrong tense and she'll patiently finish my sentences for me. her husband was with her today and just having a conversation with them in their native language was a real blessing; i think i get some sort of high off of being able to communicate with others in a situation where there might normally be a language barrier. i guess it makes me feel like i can relate to a person even more, and i feel that's my purpose in life- to relate to others, to join them on their level (whatever it may be), to show them Christ's love.
it's certainly a relief to feel like God can use me. at certain times in my life i have felt as though i'd screwed up too much, that i was "too [something]" for God to use me, and i think that began to change when i began to understand how God sees me (and i'm still at only the tip of the iceberg). like i said, it's a relief, it's a feeling like i'm moving in the right direction even though it's not "my" direction, a freedom in a sense. i'm definitely ready to get my hands dirty.