long dark blues

I stopped writing. For a long time. It's always interesting to me to go back and read my old blogs, online journals, and real (paper) diaries. This happens every few years, it seems - I stop writing, I go back, I re-read, and I don't recognize the person or place I was in anymore. I feel detached, and it doesn't seem "real" or authentic. I find that I am tempted to delete things; yet I know that I will regret it if I do. So, it stays. My old Livejournal.com accounts, my old posts here. Maybe I'll archive them, maybe I won't. Maybe it will be entertaining for others to read and see all the old perspectives. I recently revived my old Diaryland.com account after thinking that it had been permanently erased. It was both a relief and a source of anxiety - a catalog of thoughts going back to 1999, people I'd been at one time and can now no longer relate to. Is this the same for everyone? I wonder. I'm 36 years old, and at certain times in my life, ...

As the title of my post indicates, I am giving myself a good ol' pat on the back for FINALLY overcoming my fear of my pressure cooker (it's ok to laugh) and using it TWICE today!  Not only did I soak some pinto beans overnight, but I soaked a couple cups of black beans earlier today to be used in this healthy and delicious-looking  Cheesy Chicken and Rice Bake  from TastyKitchen.com (thank you Pinterest for another awesome recipe).  I even snuck in a cup of frozen spinach to take the healthy points up a level. We shall feast on these leftovers for lunch this week, and I've portioned out my remaining beans for freezer storage.  Whenever I use beans, I like to give myself another pat on the back for discovering how easy and economical it is to buy dried beans, soak, cook, and freeze them instead of buying their canned cousins.  I love saving money, avoiding BPA/sodium from cans, and using dried beans in vintage Ball/Kerr jars as decor in our dining room...

Today was one of those days that made me realize I've truly hit adulthood: totally had the opportunity to sleep in but got up early anyway so that I could review/compare Eric's employee benefits with my own employee benefits to choose which plan I should enroll in major excitement with day's plans of shopping for groceries (bonus: cheaply!) at Aldi's, food prepping, and tidying the house epic anger/frustration over two food items that had gone bad in my fridge, which we all know equals wasted money (bonus adult points here) On that note, I absolutely hate wasting food.  I honestly wanted to shake my fists at God and ask, "why?!" when I found that the lovely free-range whole chicken I'd given in to purchasing at Whole Foods had spoiled.  So much meat and chicken stock to waste... :( My pity-party didn't last too long as I wanted to salvage some of the spoiling vegetables in my fridge by making a lovely veggie stock.  I hate buying stock of ...

Whoo! After being out of the blogging habit for some time, I have been re-inspired to start back up. After a lot of change in the past 3 years (marriage, new jobs, moving, school, new church, etc.), I finally feel like things have settled into a 'normal' of some sort. I can't believe it took this long! So here we are, the first Sunday of December. I finally got our Christmas decorations out of storage and, considering we only have a small tree and very few small decorations, am excited to get into the holiday spirit with a little decoration crafting. I love the rustic, Scandinavian aesthetic and am hoping to make this: source: Nap Time Crafts  I've also been cooking a ridiculous amount of soups from scratch. I am a HUGE fan of Katie Kimball's Kitchen Stewardship blog -- thanks to her, I now make my own chicken stock and yogurt among other things. Lately I'll buy a whole chicken (yay Whole Foods discount!), roast it, pick off the meat and stor...

i have a mini-project right now. i've been wanting to do something like 'this' for a while, just not exactly sure what 'this' is. something like a group of people writing encouraging letters to each other, like a penpal group? i just know that there are friends of mine who could use encouragement and prayer and if i can be a vessel, i'd be encouraged too... life is slowly returning 'back to normal' and oddly, i'm not sure how to handle it! ive been trying to 'coach' myself into enjoying life again, saying 'its ok to be happy' here and there and to find peace again. i guess we really didn't know how bad this former living situation was until we were out of it, and now i want to slam that door shut and run like hell! God is so good in his provision and in the way he wants to bless us. i can't wait to grow into that person that he wants me to be and i feel like i'm getting closer and closer.

things are finally starting to look up... my last post was written from a pretty dark place. eric and i were both feeling very lost and hopeless for a while and it looked as though we might have to throw in the towel. God had other plans for us though, and through His provision we will be moving in to the apartment we looked at a few months ago which, by divine intervention, was still available (a serious miracle- the person who'd applied for it somehow got turned down). when we first looked at the place, we fell in love with it- it was in the area that i'd been wishing we lived in and it had everything we'd been wanting: more space, a dishwasher, and a balcony. i realize that doesn't sound like much, but in the DC area, a simple place like this is soo expensive (try $1025 monthly!) we thought it would be too expensive for us, and although we nicknamed it 'our dream apartment,' we forgot about it and planned to stay where we were. things got worse at our ...

if you read this (if anyone reads this, really), please pray for us... i'd mentioned in my previous post that i'm not a big fan of what i call "negative attention," meaning that i don't really like to throw myself a pity party, complain, etc. I really don't. but as you see here, i'm getting out of that comfort zone because, well, we need help. we need brothers and sisters. we need God. and it's been ridiculous of me to pretend that we didnt. right now our living situation is at a crossroads. the place we've been living for the past year or so is no longer acceptable for us, for a few different reasons. we're stepping out in faith, choosing not to renew our lease for next year, and totally relying on God to lead us to a place that we can be comfortable and safe in. the cost of living here is sky high and a lot of places won't even consider our application unless we make a minimum income (which we usually don't), which kind of tur...

so i have this weird quirk where i fear 'negative attention.' like, i fear weird things like fainting in public places, getting injured in front of others, and having panic attacks in public because i don't want anyone to think something's "wrong with me". that being said, i haven't really had anything good to say about living in maryland for the last 6 months, so i kind of haven't said anything at all...! i guess i've somehow gotten to this place where i don't like to complain to others about my life situation out of that sort of fear, like 'if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.' i'm only bringing it up now because i am finally starting to enjoy being out here. it's been rough: new home, new jobs, new schools, being newlyweds, being far from family, etc., all without a church family or friends nearby to lean on. eric and i have both struggled with depression, stress, and anxiety with ...

i may have neglected to introduce this guy: this is my new buddy/nephew wyatt. my brother patrick and his wife jennifer had him right before we moved out east. it was bittersweet to say the least! my first nephew and i barely got to see him :( i get pictures of him occasionally but i definitely feel like i'm missing out. things are finally settling down for us, praise God! our apartment is coming together although we still have a few boxes here and there. we make weekly trips to ikea, which is like disneyland for me... i am such a sucker for affordable swedish design! we finally got Maryland insurance for our car as well as the license plates and my driver's license, all of which was similar to a root canal in terms of fun-- i had to remove all the window tint from our car for our car to pass the safety inspection. Maryland is such a party pooper sometimes. we finally made a new friend and he happens to live about 10 feet away from us! his name is Tony and ironically ...

after several months of planning, researching, scrapping plans and starting over, we finally made it out east. we originally thought we'd settle in virginia as that's where most of the jobs in my field seemed to be as well as my current school (northern virginia community college), but God seems to have led us to college park, maryland, home of the university of maryland. after two prospective living situations fell through, we decided to check out a small apartment right on the green line metro (eric requires metro access for both work & school). the picture on craigslist looked fair enough, but when we got to the apartment to view it, we were honestly kind of disgusted- less than 500 square feet of room for the two of us with dated appliances and college kids both upstairs and down. at first, the only advantages to the place were 1) no minimum income requirement (most places we checked out wanted us to make at least $37,000 a year), and 2) literally RIGHT on the metro...

it's official. on August 1st, 2009 I became Mrs. Rachael Dillard O'Dell. i'm still getting used to the name! now, we must pack our 2 lives into one and move to Virginia within the next week. so much to do!

my last post alluded to the fact that there is a lot going on in our lives. eric is working full time and going to class AND trying to help me plan a wedding. i am working full time, trying to plan a wedding, and trying to find a place for us to live a month from now. my brother and i recently flew out to Washington, DC for a few days to look at properties and check out the area. we thought we found a nice place for eric and i to live but for a few different reasons, that place may no longer be an option. so, here i am, thinking that the rigorous application process was for naught, feeling like i wasted a trip out east, wondering where the heck we are going to live in a few short weeks. our wedding is in two weeks and i'm trying my best to keep the stress of the living situation from ruining our wedding and honeymoon plans, but it's definitely weighty. neither eric nor i have ever had to be completely uprooted, let alone from one area's price of living to another are...

a lot has been going on and normally i would be overwhelmed by it all, but to tell the truth, it all makes sense to me in a crazy way... first of all, eric and i are getting married. we knew within about a week or two of our dating (which began about three years ago) that we were "right" for each other, that we would be good for one another in the way that God intended. we've been through some crazy ups and downs and im sure i can speak for both of us when i say that there is such a feeling of 'peace' and 'this makes sense' in our relationship. we even talked about getting married this fall and having a lovely fall-themed event... which brings me to the next item of interest. eric has been studying american sign language for the past two years and applied to gallaudet university in washington, DC just to see if he'd get in. backstory: gallaudet university is the only deaf university in the US. they only admit 20 hearing students a year to their A...

  so this one time three years ago, this boy told me a story about his mom and how she sometimes acts during church. we were standing on the top level of a parking garage-- we still barely knew each other and as he was telling me this story, he grabbed my hand and said, "sometimes she grabs my hand in the middle of church service... like this." my thoughts raced and the butterflies in my stomach nearly made me puke, but i somehow managed to find a true Rachael moment in it: "did you just use that as an excuse to hold my hand?" "uhh... yeah... heh..." and that's a good indication of how charmingly things began for us. which brings us to now, to tonight, in which the boy in the photo and the boy in the story are the same, and all of us were together again on the same top level of the same parking garage, in the same spot even... except this time he asked me to marry him. of course i said yes :) the lighting's bad and i know you cant really read i...

my good friend Allie recently started her own business, Terebinth Spa , in which she offers a night of homemade, organic spa treatments for office, home, and church parties. doesn't this sound amazing? just talking about it makes me feel relaxed and peaceful. i went to a party she threw at her home and it was so much fun to munch on snacks and do some self-pampering with other ladies. if you know Allie at all, you already know what a peaceful, loving, nurting person she is- just being around her is a peaceful, sweet experience, so "allie + spa business" makes perfect sense to me. it's inspiring to see her act on her dreams and i'm excited to see what God has planned with her and her projects! i too am hoping to get more involved with some dreams of mine, namely the little shop i opened on etsy.com... i love making all different kinds of things and i hope the summer break will help me to invest more time in those projects. i've also opened an etsy store...

i promise not to get too mushy, but... i cant resist posting this: i love this boy a lot. he is the most beautiful, patient, sweet person i've ever met. we compliment each other in so many awesome ways. even though we've hurt each other a lot, we love each other a lot and i'm thankful that God has put us together as only He can-- to learn how to love another well and to show others God's love. Godly love doesnt give up or call it quits when things get rough, and that's a lesson i've needed to learn for a while. i'm thankful i got to learn it alongside the most beautiful person i know...

lately i have been very comforted by the Fullness of God. He is in control always, ordering all things for good. How silly it is of me to worry about anything... "God provides for our needs and everything beyond that is a blessing." i have been very busy with finals and unfortunately that has made it difficult for me to respond to amazing, amazing letters/emails/packages from friends. it's also been difficult to make time for God, whether that be time spent in the word or time just being mindful/connected. i've noticed that the less frequently i engage with the Spirit, the less frequently i perceive things correctly. while i'm not happy about this, it's definitely a cool lesson to learn. i am very thankful that my emotions do not always accurately reflect reality, and that that which i am feeling is not necessarily truth. i will be very relieved when i am done with school for the semester and can focus more energy on being part of the community and grow...

do you ever get so psyched about what God is doing that you just can't contain it? i just have to say... GOD IS KICKING SOME SERIOUS ASS. confirmation is so freakin' awesome! holy crap, dude, God loves me a lot! i pray pray pray that the people i care about will come to know God like i know him, and even moreso... sorry to anyone who doesn't want to hear about Jesus-type stuff. it's kinda my life anymore, and i'm fine (even psyched) with it.

i am pretty excited to meet the person God has created me to be. i have had glimpses of this person in the past but was never comfortable with her enough to let her stick around. for a person who has struggled with self-esteem issues lifelong, this is both challenging and comforting. i've dealt with all those typical 'girl' issues in life- being pretty/skinny/smart enough- and i'm so glad that God calls us to a higher place in life, a place where God is bigger than those issues. when i see myself through the lens of God's truth, i get really excited because i actually like that version of me, and the old version of me who wants to please and be loved by everyone is really very tired. in God i have realized that i am smart, loving, loveable, worthwhile, sensitive, understanding, sweet, charming, talented, wise, beautiful , and good . those last two are probably the hardest for me to say because i've had such issues with seeing myself as either of them- i a...

The Fellowship of the Believers [42]And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. [43]And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. [44]And all who believed were together and had all things in common. [45]And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. [46]And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, [47]praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. this passage really lays on my heart in a way that makes me want to get my hands dirty. brothers and sisters, let's make community happen, let's get messy, let's see what God has in store for us.