long dark blues

i have a mini-project right now. i've been wanting to do something like 'this' for a while, just not exactly sure what 'this' is. something like a group of people writing encouraging letters to each other, like a penpal group? i just know that there are friends of mine who could use encouragement and prayer and if i can be a vessel, i'd be encouraged too... life is slowly returning 'back to normal' and oddly, i'm not sure how to handle it! ive been trying to 'coach' myself into enjoying life again, saying 'its ok to be happy' here and there and to find peace again. i guess we really didn't know how bad this former living situation was until we were out of it, and now i want to slam that door shut and run like hell! God is so good in his provision and in the way he wants to bless us. i can't wait to grow into that person that he wants me to be and i feel like i'm getting closer and closer.

things are finally starting to look up... my last post was written from a pretty dark place. eric and i were both feeling very lost and hopeless for a while and it looked as though we might have to throw in the towel. God had other plans for us though, and through His provision we will be moving in to the apartment we looked at a few months ago which, by divine intervention, was still available (a serious miracle- the person who'd applied for it somehow got turned down). when we first looked at the place, we fell in love with it- it was in the area that i'd been wishing we lived in and it had everything we'd been wanting: more space, a dishwasher, and a balcony. i realize that doesn't sound like much, but in the DC area, a simple place like this is soo expensive (try $1025 monthly!) we thought it would be too expensive for us, and although we nicknamed it 'our dream apartment,' we forgot about it and planned to stay where we were. things got worse at our ...

if you read this (if anyone reads this, really), please pray for us... i'd mentioned in my previous post that i'm not a big fan of what i call "negative attention," meaning that i don't really like to throw myself a pity party, complain, etc. I really don't. but as you see here, i'm getting out of that comfort zone because, well, we need help. we need brothers and sisters. we need God. and it's been ridiculous of me to pretend that we didnt. right now our living situation is at a crossroads. the place we've been living for the past year or so is no longer acceptable for us, for a few different reasons. we're stepping out in faith, choosing not to renew our lease for next year, and totally relying on God to lead us to a place that we can be comfortable and safe in. the cost of living here is sky high and a lot of places won't even consider our application unless we make a minimum income (which we usually don't), which kind of tur...

so i have this weird quirk where i fear 'negative attention.' like, i fear weird things like fainting in public places, getting injured in front of others, and having panic attacks in public because i don't want anyone to think something's "wrong with me". that being said, i haven't really had anything good to say about living in maryland for the last 6 months, so i kind of haven't said anything at all...! i guess i've somehow gotten to this place where i don't like to complain to others about my life situation out of that sort of fear, like 'if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.' i'm only bringing it up now because i am finally starting to enjoy being out here. it's been rough: new home, new jobs, new schools, being newlyweds, being far from family, etc., all without a church family or friends nearby to lean on. eric and i have both struggled with depression, stress, and anxiety with ...